Dear adolescents of America:

I realize that what I'm about to say might make me sound behind the times, or old, or whatever. I understand that every generation is appalled and slightly disgusted at the choices made by the generation that follows it. I know that I have no reason to take pride in some of the choices I made myownself when I was your age. However, I simply cannot be silent any longer; I would feel like I was failing you if I let you continue dressing the way you do, speaking the way you do, and indulging your worst tastes in music, movies, and television the way that you have been in recent years. So, in an effort to help you, here are five tips that, if followed, will serve you to avoid any further embarrassment.

*Stop shopping at Hot Topic. Short of a few cool band shirts, this store sells nothing that will not make you look like a stupid poseur douche. The style of clothing this store specializes in was once only worn by unique groups of people: punks and goths. Hot Topic has taken only the superficial elements of these peoples' lifestyle or culture or whatever you want to call it and has made it a brand, has marketed it to easily-influenced children like yourselves, and, in the meantime, has made quite a profit from it--something that flies in the face of the fundamental beliefs of the groups whose style they have appropriated. They have been helped by the likes of Avril Lavigne and Fall Out Boy in popularizing and mainstreaming these looks, but make no mistake about it: these people are not punk. They are pop stars, just like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. You are not cool. Wearing a tail in public (a tail! Like from a Halloween raccoon costume! I saw this today on a girl walking through a Macy's!) does not make anybody look at you with anything other than ridicule. I think everyone should be comfortable being their own person and that their fashion choices should reflect that--dying your hair a color not found in nature used to be a good way to look as unique on the outside as you were on the inside, but it's become so common that now it's just another way to conform. Still, I have no problem with people doing this (I always wanted to at least have some hot pink streaks in my hair, but never had the guts to do it and now I kind of regret that since the time of my life where that would've been acceptable has passed), just when they do it to be a part of this awful, widespread fashion trend. I'm tired of the black-on-black, of the graphic hoodies, of the studded belts, of the ugly hats.

*Also, stop dressing like this:


I think that leggings with a short skirt can look cute (not on my body type), but so many teenage girls don't understand the difference between cute and cheap.

*These guys...

...are not attractive.

*The Hills is not real. You are not on The Hills. You will never have lives like the people on The Hills. Maybe watch something that doesn't come on MTV every once in a while. There are a lot of other channels out there! That channel just glorifies stupidity and irresponsible behavior (for anyone who wants to dispute that, check out an episode of The Real World. If at least three of the people in the RW house don't get dangerously wasted, hook up with each other, or throw an overdramatic fit, I will pay you $50), and I feel like it's breeding stupidity in the teenagers who watch MTV's original programming and think that's an acceptable way to be.

*Stop being so mean to each other. We're supposed to get more inclusive and tolerant as the generations go on, but I think we're regressing. It's great that it's become more acceptable for people in their teens to be out and proud, to not have to hide who they are, but the wave of conservatism, both political and religious, that has washed over this country since the beginning of this century has had its effect on those who aren't yet old enough to vote. It was reprehensible and appalling enough when adults attacked other adults for their sexuality, but when an eighth grader uses sexuality as a reason to kill a fellow classmate, it is absolutely shocking and tragic. Where does a child get the idea that homosexuality is a capital offense? That it's become common practice to use the word "gay" as an insult, and in reference to absolutely anything, is sad to me. But, hey, I hate when men insult other men by comparing them to women, so maybe I'm just sensitive and easily-offended. Videos of teenagers beating the shit out of their peers should not be put on YouTube and subsequently watched by millions of people--it's not entertainment; it's violence, the perpetrators of which are so remorseless that they border on sociopathic. MySpace should not be used as a means of bullying your friends. At the very least, this kind of behavior will lead to low-self esteem in those being bullied, and at the very worst...well, just read the story linked to in the previous sentence. Stop targeting those you have decided are weak, if only for the fact that you can never be sure what they're capable of.

Now, I know some of this can come off as a little judgmental and that people your age are more likely to ignore advice rather than follow it, but I really think that if you take this advice while you're still teenagers, then the world (or at least this country) can be a better place when you become adults. Honestly, if it gets any worse, I don't know what I'll do, but I think it involves moving to Canada. Or Europe.